Joke time!!!

ANAK : nay, nay, anong meaning nung "R.I.P " sa nitso ?

INA : duh ! anak naman....."Return If Possible"

utak anak , utak!

Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

BISAYA 1: Pre, unsa'y ibig sabihin ng 'cooling place'?
BISAYA 2: Sus! Dugay ka na sa Manila,tonto ka pa rin. pag
nag-ring ang phone,sasabihin mo,"Helow,who's cooling place?"

Kristiyano -Nganong ang atong Manluluwas gilansang man sa krus?
Muslim - Siyempre aron dili mahagbong.

Diperensya sa Pobre ug Adunahan.Kung adunahan ka,duna kay "allergy",
kung pobre ka,aduna kay"korikong" Sa pobre,"nabu-ang', kung adunahan,"nervous breakdown" tungod sa "tension"
Sa adunahan nga mangawat,ang tawag "kleptomaniac", sa pobre"kawatan"
Kung pobre mosakit ang ulo,ingnon dayon ug "napasmo", pero ug
adunahan "migraine" Kung pobre, "buktot", pero ug adunahan "scoliotic"
Kung maid ka nga itomon,tawgon ka ug "negrita",pero kon
adunahan ka ug mas itom pa sa sulugo-on ang itawag "morena"
Kung bisan kinsa lang ang imong ika-date, ingnon ka ug
"uwagan" o"burikat", pero kon kwartahan ka ang ilang itawag "game" o "liberated"
Kung idaran ka nga pobre tawgon ka ug "tigolang", pero kon datu
ang tawag "senior citizen"
Kung anak ka sa kwartahan ug dili dayon makakat-on, ang tawag
"slow learner" kon anak ka sa pobre ang tawag nimo "bogok"

Mga Pinoy, Intsek ug Hapon sa Saudi nag pustahay kon kinsa ang maka pronawns sa pulong nga "Bulaklak at Paroparo".
Ang mga Pinoy mipusta ug dako Sa ilang paisano.
Intsek: "Bulaklak at Palopalo", ang intsek pildi kay dili maka pronawns ug litra nga "R".
Hapon: "Burakrak at Paruparu", ang hapon pildi kay dili
makalitok ug litra nga "L".
Pinoy: "Buyakyak at Payopayo", labaw pang napildi, kay taga Surigao man diay ang kontestant.

Kung ang kugmo tam-is, naa ka'y sakit nga DIABETES.
Kung ang kugmo parat, naa ka'y sakit sa ATAY.
Kung ang kugmo aslom, naa ka'y sakit sa KIDNEY.
Pero kung ang kugmo imong tilawan,
Naa ka'y sakit sa UTOK.

RAM wrote:hahahaaha buking!

ganyan din ba gagawin mo doc hehe..heto pa.. mukhang may problema ang pag ka presidente ni Obama..

Pano kaya 'to?

hahahaaha buking!

Why I Fired My Secretary?


As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...on the couch..........naked

Romantic Acronyms

H.O.L.L.A.N.D
Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.

I.T.A.L.Y.
I Trust And Love You.

L.I.B.Y.A.
Love Is Beautiful; You Also.

F.R.A.N.C.E.
Friendships Remain And Never Can End.

C.H.I.N.A.
Come Here I Need Affection.

B.U.R.M.A.
Between Us, Remember Me Always.

I.N.D.I.A.
I Nearly Died In Adoration.

K.E.N.Y.A.
Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.

C.A.N.A.D.A.
Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction

K.O.R.E.A.
Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.

E.G.Y.P.T.
Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!

R.U.S.S.I.A.
Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.

M.A.N.I.L.A.
May All Nights Inspire Love Always.

B.A.L.I.W.A.G.
Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.

M.A.L.A.B.O.N.
May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.

I.M.U.S.
I Miss U, Sweetheart.

P.A.S.I.G.
Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.

C.E.B.U.
Change Everything But Us.

P.E.R.U.
Porget Everyone Remember Us.

P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E.
Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under Ecstacy.

T.O.N.D.O.
Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.

P.A.S.A.Y.
Pretty And Sexy Are You?

Y.E.M.E.N.
'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.

M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O.
Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only.

J.A.P.A.N
Jump And Play All Night

P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S.
Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please.. I Need Erotic
Stimulation

M.A.R.K.
Military Ambush Ray Kamatyan

H.O.P.E.
Honey Open your Panty Everyday

T.A.N.D.U.A.Y.
Tutuki Ayaw Ninyo Dugaya Ug Ayaw Yam-iri

C.H.A.M.P.I.O.N.
Come Home And Make Peace In Our Nation

"MUSEUM"

Isang araw sa loob ng museum, nakabasag ng vase si Juan at agad nilapitan ng guard...

GUARD: naku sir, yang vase na yan, 100 years old na yan!
JUAN: hay salamat naman, kala ko bago

JOSE: Kumusta ang assignment?
RICK: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
JOSE: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!

TOTO: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
JOVY: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
TOTO: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!

LITO: Pare, ano ba ang kaibahan ng H2O sa CO2?
JOSE: Diyos ko naman! Di mo ba alam 'yun?!
Ang H2O ay water! At ang CO2... COLD water.

REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.

After sex, Thai girl kept fondling man's c**k.
Man asked: Why? Want to have sex again.
Thai Girl replied: No lah, just admiring your c**k... I used to have one before."

Yan lang muna...

bhahahahha

unsay inglesh sa iring? CAT

kanang iring kusog molangoy sa dagat? SUPERCAT

kanang iring nakaila sa tanan? SICAT

kanang iring nabuntagan sa plaza? BURICAT

Ano raw ang Pandiwa?

heto ang sagot:

Ang Pandiwa ay isang hiwa na nasa gitna ng dalawang hita na pinapasukan ng batuta at nilalabasan ng makulit na bata..hehe ayus!!

What is a Kiss?

It's an upper PREPARATION for the lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build the next GENERATION.

he he more..heto ang sa akin...Famous Lines

'Hindi lahat ng malakas, super hero!'

- Putok

'Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?'

- Lego

'Halika, bigyan mo pa ako ng init. Kailangan kong pumutok para ako'y
iyong matikman at ika'y masarapan. Ayan na! Puputok na! Humanda ka!'

- Popcorn

'Kahit papaano, gusto ko din ng exposure!'

- Singit

'Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sa iyo. Ayoko lang
naman na sa harap ng maraming tao, ganun mo na lang ako itanggi!'

- Utot

'Hindi lahat ng hinog ay matamis!'

- Pigsa

'Kapag ang katawan mo'y nag-iinit, lagi na lang ako ang hinahanap mo.
Maya't maya mo akong ginagamit at pinapagod. Hindi ka na naawa!'

- Aircon

'Pagod na akong humawak ng balls mo! Pagod narin ako sa
pagbihis-hubad mo sa akin. Malapit na naman ulit! Ayoko na!!!'

- Christmas Tree.

'I ikspik that it will be a long payt, a good payt, But you know, I
didn't ikspik. Tinks por da God, you know, and tinks por ol da
pelepeno pipol'

- Manny Pacquiao.

'You never even thank me for making you happy, then you throw me away
just like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of
shit!'

- Tissue

'Hindi lahat ng kulot, salot!'

- Goldilocks

'Hindi lahat ng bubuyog, kulay itim!'

- Jollibee

'Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa
tuwing wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod
ako sa pagngiti!'

- Smiley

'You can cry all you want, you could always blame me. You said, it
wasn't fair that you just want life to be better. But remember, it's all
your fault! You stabbed me with a knife!'

- Sibuyas

'Isubo mo ang kahabaan ko. Dilaan. Sipsipin. Paglaruan sa bibig mo.
Para lumabas ang katas ko na kinasabikan mo. Nag mamahal,'

- Ice Candy

'Bakit ayaw nyo pa rin sa akin kahit sosyal at maganda ako? Dahil ba
mas sweet ang iba?'.

- Fruitcake

'Panakip butas mo lang pala ako!'.

- Panty

'Pinapaikot mo lang ako! Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo na
lang ako'.

- Electric fan

'Hindi lahat na walang salawal ay bastos!'

- Winnie d' pooh

'Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo.
Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo'.

- ipis

'Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol
mo.'

-hipon

'Ayoko na! Pag nagmamahal ako, lagi na lang maraming tao ang
nagagalit! Wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!'

-Gasolina
< BR>'Sawang-sawa na ako, palagi na lang akong pinagpapasa- pasahan, pagod
na pagod na ako.'

- Bola

'Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka, mahirap ka ba talagang
makontento sa isa? Bakit palipat-lipat ka?

- TV

'Hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin C'

-kili kili

'Pilitin mo man na alisin ako
sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako!

-Libag

'Anung kasalanan ko sa iyo, iniwan mo na lang akong duguan...'

-Sanitary Napkin

'Hwag mo na akong bilugin..'

-kulangot

'Bwisit na buhay ito! Araw-araw na lang, itlog! Um aga, tanghali,
gabi, itlog! Itlog! Itlog! Lagi na lang itlog!'

-Brief

'Sige, kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo!

-deodorant

'Ako lang ang makakapagpadugo ng ilong ni Manny Pacquiao!'

- English

'Hindi totoong anak ko si Bakekang! At lalong hindi ko kapatid si
Mike Enriquez! Kaya pwede ba, tigilan na ang tsismis na yan!'

- Shrek

HELP WANTED : painter of porch

KAno : i need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scrapping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying coat of primer and two
final coats of orange paint. can u do this?

bobong : sir, yes sir. i kan remoob paint en apply paint beri well sir.

KAno : okay, you've got the job. everythiing you'll need has been unloaded from
trunk of the car.

% after 3 hours ....

Bobong : sir, pinis oreydi .

KAno : wow! you finish the job in 3 hours. then you deserve a bonus. Here's
another 20 bucks .

bobong : sir, tenk yu sir .
by the way sir, you dont heb a porch..............
your car is a BMW

Hoy Bobong magregister ka na!!!

anak : nay, si tatay at si inday kanina.....
nanay: hep, mamaya mo na sabihin yan anak pag dyan na ang Tatay mo.
kinagabihan......
nanay: anak, ngayung nandito na ang tatay mo, ano yung gusto mong sabihin kanina?
anak : si tatay at si inday kanina ay ginawa nila ung ginagawa ninyo ng driver natin.

by: ronald roger albano

Noong una, laging napapansin ni Pedro na tuwing matutulog na ang anak ay laging may binibigkas na "goodnight mommy, daddy, lolo, lola".

Routine na ng anak na sabihin ang linyang iyon tuwing siya'y matutulog na. Isang araw, ang sabi ng bata ay "goodnight mommy, daddy, lola. Goodbye lolo!" kaya bigla siyang nagtaka! Kinabukasan, namatay ang kanyang lolo.

Lumipas ang isang buwan ay nag iba na naman ang routine ng bata. "Goodnight daddy, mommy. Goodbye lola!" at kinaumagahan ay pumanaw na ang kanyang lola.

Lumipas ang mahigit na isang taon at araw araw na sinasabi ng anak na "goodnight mommy and daddy" hanggang sa isang gabi, mahigit isang taon pagkatapos mamatay ng lola ay sinabi niyang "goodnight mommy, goodbye daddy!".

Kinilabutan nang husto si Pedro nung gabing iyon at hindi siya nakatulog magdamag. Kinaumagahan. .......
............ ......... .namatay ang kanilang driver